Posted by Casey Rand and Tim Gordon
Snow is falling, people are cranky, and we can’t feel our legs. You know what that means: awards season! And what better way to celebrate than with our own roundup of people who deserve it in the most depressing months of the year. And the winners are…
Barricade Snow Plow
Living in North America grooms us for the good life. Malaria? Nuh uh. Famine? No way. Ukranian nurse mistresses? Ok, maybe. But, being spoiled rotten has its downsides. Like when the guy who gets paid to remove the five new snowflakes from our golden-paved streets collects them all with his giant scooping machine and magically creates a 12 foot wall of cloud dandruff at the end of our eight-car driveway. Really, Barricade Snow Plow? Don’t you know we have last minute shopping to do at the diamond-encrusted foie gras outlet? How are we going to get the Ke$ha Collector’s Edition Hummer out now? Better reposition your mountain of freeze fluff or you’re the one who’s gonna get the plowing. And not in the tasteful, Youporn kind of way.
Tropical Apartment Roommate
Winter is a romantic time - snow falling, fires blazing, expensive sweaters unraveling at first snag on that stupid banister we’ve asked you to fix a thousand times! Bygones. Point is, cold weather is a great excuse to get cozy and consume otherwise unbearable alcoholic drinks. But not for Tropical Apartment Roommate. No, this hot-blooded energy suck is so hell bent on denying the existence of an entire season, he prefers to turn the whole place into a Sub-Saharan desert and parade around in his Joe Boxcar Hawaiian thong. Ninety-six degrees and a mini-stroke later, you’re up to your nipples in heating bills and alarmed at your increasing cravings for stone crabs. So listen up, TAR, either turn down the thermostat, or risk us sending your face on a real safari.
First-Sign-Of-Snow Turtle Driver
So, Tom Messner’s calling for snow. In most of this great country, that means a 1.5 inch dusting of something vaguely resembling winter precipitation that will subsequently send hoards of people into a paralyzing spiral of fear, reducing the average road speed to -26 MPH and creating a traffic jam tighter than a corseted pickle jar. What’s going on Turtle Driver? Does the wintry mix make you nervous? Are the falling flakes of cloud poop too beautiful to focus on the task at hand? Because we’re pretty sure there’s no reason for you to be driving at the speed of an armless man trying to start the wave. Put the petal to the metal FSOSTD, because if we’re late for polar bear club one more time, it’ll be your skins we use as a rug.
“It’s Not Cold Out” Guy
Currently, it’s -12 degrees Fahrenheit outside with a wind-chill brutal enough to turn a penguin’s genitals to ice cubes. But looking at It’s Not Cold Out Here Guy, you’d think Minnesota was Satan's Heat Blanket. Honestly buddy, crossing the arctic tundra in cargo shorts and a sleeveless cardigan doesn’t make you look tough. It makes you look like someone who wasn't loved as a child and is in need of a polar bear hug in the face.
Slush
Are you snow? Are you rain? Make up your mind, Slush. Because we just put our foot in a pool of ice water under the assumption it was solid enough to hold our fur-lined Crocks (the Croc knock-offs made from real crocodile stomachs). Next time you assault our footwear with more ice water than the North Atlantic, we’re going to treat you like Titanic and blah, blah, blah. We all know it doesn’t end well.
Snow Man Michelangelo
We love snowmen. You just roll up a bunch of white stuff; throw some coal in for eyes and a carrot as accoutrement, and voila, you’re done. You can retire to your abode and revel in a job well done. Well, not if you have a Snow Man Michelangelo on your block. That’s right, this smug Renaissance man makes everyone else’s snow sculpture look like a cross between a piece of crap and a piece of crap. Art is really the only way to reach SMM, so the next time this tortured soul is suffering for his craft, introduce him to the avant garde beauty of a rock-filled yellow snowball. Magnifique!
People Who Deserve It