Perigee Bookmarks

Bad Animals at Home for the Holidays

Posted by Linda Lombardi, author of Animals Behaving Badly

Reporting on the truth about our fellow creatures is a lonely job. Despite my best efforts to expose their bad habits and character flaws, they still seem to get nothing but good press. One day, yet another book about a puppy hits the best-seller list. The next, another cute animal photo goes viral. And last week, we had a story by the Associated Press about gift-buying plans for the holiday season.

The article contained the results of a poll revealing that pet owners have budgeted an average of $46 for gifts for their pets—more than the average $41 they reported spending last year. Yes, unemployment is at nine percent and governments everywhere are cutting basic services, but if you’re a dog or a cat, don’t worry. The odds are good that you’ll find even more in your Christmas stocking this year than last.

I admit that I’m as guilty of this sort of thing as anyone. My cats get hairball-medicine treats that cost as much per pound as Kobe beef. My pugs dine on kibble made of locally sourced free-range chicken and wild-caught fish, and go on vacation with me to nice hotels. They certainly do get Christmas presents, and homemade birthday cakes, too.

What have our pets done to deserve this kind of treatment? Sure, they’re cute and cuddly. But did you know that over 86,000 Americans end up in the emergency room each year because a pet caused them to fall? Or that pets start about a thousand house fires a year?

And you may believe that you’re doing all these nice things for your sweet furbabies of your own free will when, in fact, these creatures are manipulating us at a completely unconscious level. Those puppy-dog eyes trigger the same neurotransmitter involved in pair-bonding with your mate and maternal behavior toward your offspring. And cats use a special combination meow-purr to demand service that’s acoustically similar to the cry of a human infant, a sound that we’ve evolved over millennia to respond to without fail.

So let’s get a grip on ourselves, people. Times are tough. Spending going UP on presents for our pets makes no sense, because even leaving aside whether they deserve it, they’d be just as happy with stuff that costs nothing. Let your pet’s worst qualities work in your favor for a change. Cats, for instance, may be beautiful, but they’re no geniuses: Their tiny brains can get hours of entertainment out of an empty box or paper bag. Just give them what the human presents came in and their holiday fun is all set, at no extra cost.

And what will make this the Christmas your dog will always remember? Just think about whatever you’re constantly yelling at him for, and go with it. Let him dive into the kitchen trash, just this once. It’s free, and there’s nothing money can buy that he would enjoy more.

 

An Editor's FML

Posted by Marian Lizzi

I just had the pleasure of editing a very funny new manuscript based on the website FMyLife.com, which collects painfully honest snapshots of life's awkward, embarrassing, or otherwise disappointing little moments, submitted by readers around the world. If you haven't seen the site, I encourage you to check it out (and I hasten to mention that it's often a teensy bit NSFW.) (And if you don't know what NSFW means, then maybe it's best to just skip the whole thing.)

In the spirit of F My Life World Tour (coming from Perigee next June), I humbly present this list of FML entries from the point of view of a hypothetical book editor. That's right, they're composites—inspired by real moments experienced by me and some of my peers, but...edited a little.

With no further ado...

 

Today, a book that I turned down appeared on the bestseller list. For the fifth week in a row. FML

 

Today I read yet another proposal that misspelled the word foreword. It was a proposal for a writing guide. FML

 

Today one of my authors turned in his manuscript. He met the contracted delivery date—but doubled the word count. FML

 

Today I looked at some financial reports, and I was reminded that the profitability of my books often seems to be inversely proportional to the amount of time I spent editing them. FML

 

Today, I mentioned to a friend that I'm thinking of buying some new bookshelves. She replied, "I love bookshelves—but I never know what to put on them." FML

 

Today, I loaded seven proposals onto on my jump drive to read at home in the evening, in advance of our editorial meeting in the morning. Then I left it on my desk. Along with the key to my locked office. FML

 

Today I heard someone in the industry use the phrase “dead-tree editions.” Without being ironic. FML

 

Today we heard that an account was passing on one of our titles. The reason: “It has too many words.” FML

 

Today I turned down three collections of children’s poetry. We don’t publish children’s books. Or poetry. FML

 

Today, a major newspaper gave one of our books a rave review. And misspelled our imprint’s name. FML

 

 

I’d love to hear your publishing-related FMLs (I think…). Comment below, or email me at Marian.Lizzi@us.penguingroup.com. I’ll share the best ones (that aren’t NSFW, of course).

Video: Evil Cat

Evil Cat comes to life in these videos by author Elia Anie.

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Making Your Book Stand Out

Posted by Meg Leder

In a few weeks, I’m giving a talk at a writing conference. The subject: How to Make Your Book Stand Out. There are a number of ways I can approach this talk: the ins and outs of crafting an attention-getting proposal; tips for making sure you’re the author your in-house team wants to go the extra mile for; how to self-promote beyond your publicity and marketing team’s efforts; and so on.

But the tip that keeps coming to mind, beyond the etiquette and rules and insider tips? Have a really, really great idea from the get-go. Take, for example, a quirky proposal that landed on my desk in December 2009: Images You Should Not Masturbate To.  

The project came in through the slush, and as most unsolicited manuscripts we receive rarely focus on the subjects we publish (let alone spell our imprint’s name correctly), I wasn’t expecting much. But then I opened the envelope and found a mock-up of the book.

The cover featured a strange old man chopping ice with an axe… while naked. The title was prudish and willfully awkward (it ends with a preposition!), but also intriguing. And the content—a collection of random images, ranging from a dog with wig to hair on a drain to a wrestler named “Chad”—was bizarre, and frankly, kind of awesome. I found myself flipping through the pages, eager to see what would come next.

When I shared the project with my colleagues, their reactions were similar: mild revulsion at the cover image, slightly appalled laughter at the title, and curiosity at the content on the interior pages.

This deceptively simple and deliberately off-putting project was weird and provocative, and like nothing we’d seen before. It made us want to turn the page, even if we cringed the entire time. And so, we made an offer and are now the proud publishers of Images You Should Not Masturbate To.  

This February, if you’re looking for a gift that will truly stand out—something with a cryptic cover, grammatically incorrect title, and strange interior content—you’re in luck. Enjoy!

People Who Deserve It, Winter Edition

Posted by Casey Rand and Tim Gordon

Snow is falling, people are cranky, and we can’t feel our legs. You know what that means: awards season! And what better way to celebrate than with our own roundup of people who deserve it in the most depressing months of the year. And the winners are…

 

Barricade Snow Plow

Living in North America grooms us for the good life. Malaria? Nuh uh. Famine? No way. Ukranian nurse mistresses? Ok, maybe. But, being spoiled rotten has its downsides. Like when the guy who gets paid to remove the five new snowflakes from our golden-paved streets collects them all with his giant scooping machine and magically creates a 12 foot wall of cloud dandruff at the end of our eight-car driveway. Really, Barricade Snow Plow? Don’t you know we have last minute shopping to do at the diamond-encrusted foie gras outlet? How are we going to get the Ke$ha Collector’s Edition Hummer out now? Better reposition your mountain of freeze fluff or you’re the one who’s gonna get the plowing. And not in the tasteful, Youporn kind of way.

 

Tropical Apartment Roommate

Winter is a romantic time - snow falling, fires blazing, expensive sweaters unraveling at first snag on that stupid banister we’ve asked you to fix a thousand times! Bygones. Point is, cold weather is a great excuse to get cozy and consume otherwise unbearable alcoholic drinks. But not for Tropical Apartment Roommate. No, this hot-blooded energy suck is so hell bent on denying the existence of an entire season, he prefers to turn the whole place into a Sub-Saharan desert and parade around in his Joe Boxcar Hawaiian thong. Ninety-six degrees and a mini-stroke later, you’re up to your nipples in heating bills and alarmed at your increasing cravings for stone crabs. So listen up, TAR, either turn down the thermostat, or risk us sending your face on a real safari.

 

First-Sign-Of-Snow Turtle Driver

So, Tom Messner’s calling for snow. In most of this great country, that means a 1.5 inch dusting of something vaguely resembling winter precipitation that will subsequently send hoards of people into a paralyzing spiral of fear, reducing the average road speed to -26 MPH and creating a traffic jam tighter than a corseted pickle jar. What’s going on Turtle Driver? Does the wintry mix make you nervous? Are the falling flakes of cloud poop too beautiful to focus on the task at hand? Because we’re pretty sure there’s no reason for you to be driving at the speed of an armless man trying to start the wave. Put the petal to the metal FSOSTD, because if we’re late for polar bear club one more time, it’ll be your skins we use as a rug.

 

“It’s Not Cold Out” Guy

Currently, it’s -12 degrees Fahrenheit outside with a wind-chill brutal enough to turn a penguin’s genitals to ice cubes. But looking at It’s Not Cold Out Here Guy, you’d think Minnesota was Satan's Heat Blanket.  Honestly buddy, crossing the arctic tundra in cargo shorts and a sleeveless cardigan doesn’t make you look tough. It makes you look like someone who wasn't loved as a child and is in need of a polar bear hug in the face.

 

 Slush

Are you snow? Are you rain? Make up your mind, Slush. Because we just put our foot in a pool of ice water under the assumption it was solid enough to hold our fur-lined Crocks (the Croc knock-offs made from real crocodile stomachs). Next time you assault our footwear with more ice water than the North Atlantic, we’re going to treat you like Titanic and blah, blah, blah. We all know it doesn’t end well.

 

Snow Man Michelangelo

We love snowmen. You just roll up a bunch of white stuff; throw some coal in for eyes and a carrot as accoutrement, and voila, you’re done. You can retire to your abode and revel in a job well done.  Well, not if you have a Snow Man Michelangelo on your block. That’s right, this smug Renaissance man makes everyone else’s snow sculpture look like a cross between a piece of crap and a piece of crap.  Art is really the only way to reach SMM, so the next time this tortured soul is suffering for his craft, introduce him to the avant garde beauty of a rock-filled yellow snowball.  Magnifique!

 

 

People Who Deserve It

People Who Deserve It

Posted by Meg Leder

While living in New York City can be a wonderful, diverse, vibrant experience, it also has its challenges. Mainly: All the other people living here.

Take my morning commute: There are the people who push their way through everyone trying to get off the train because they can’t wait to board. There’s the strange woman clipping her fingernails in the subway car. There’s the guy who likes to spread his legs so wide he takes up the width of three seats. And don’t forget the over-the-shoulder nosy reader or the teenager blaring her iPod on such a high volume we all get treated to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.”

When confronted with these insensitive displays, you can’t do much; the crazy quotient in NYC is so high, you don’t want to risk antagonizing a potentially psychotic subway mate. Instead, you scrunch your way into a sliver of a seat, duck from flying pieces of fingernail, try not to get “Poker Face” stuck in your head, and simmer in silence.

Which is why as soon as I heard about it, I wanted to publish Casey Gordon and Tim Rand’s People Who Deserve It: Socially Responsible Reasons to Punch Someone in the Face.

With razor-sharp observation skills, honed by twenty-some years of living with fellow human beings, Casey and Tim have compiled entries describing some of the most terrible people on the planet: Overly Self-Righteous Vegan, Super Snorer, No Umbrella Etiquette Lady, Obviously Hot Compliment Fisher, and more. They even include non-human entries, and yeah, I agree, E. Coli definitely deserves a punch in the face.

The recognition I felt on reading the book was a relief: I’m not alone in hating Two Spot Parkers or Office Food Thieves! It would be absolutely delightful to throw a right hook in the face of a Passive Aggressive Emoticon User :)! Finally, I had found a safe avenue for my anger, and the reassurance that comes from shared recognition.

So the next time you notice yourself gritting your teeth in barely-contained rage at the quirks, foibles, and flaws of your neighbors, be they in NYC or anywhere else on our fair planet, pick up a copy of People Who Deserve It and imagine giving a quick uppercut to No Cleanup Nail Clipper or Impatient Subway Boarder. It’s a healthy channel for some of that rage, and it won’t land you in jail.

 

People Who Deserve It will be available November 2.

Virtual Tour

Posted by Marian Lizzi

 

Like any self-described “idea person,” I have a thing for Ben Franklin. Inventor of everything from bifocals to the glass harmonica (not to mention the first lending library, the first fire department, and the good old Franklin stove), Citizen Ben was not short on ideas, and no slouch about bringing them to fruition.

 

One of the coolest things Franklin did, in my humble citizen-opinion, was to come up with a list of thirteen essential virtues and—wait for it—endeavor to live by them every single day.

 

These days it’s hardly fashionable for a big-city, black-clothes-wearing gal to talk about virtues (we leave that to televangelists and angry crowds carrying misspelled signs). But thanks to Cameron Gunn’s delightful new book Ben & Me, those of us who aren’t even sure that patience is a virtue (particularly when waiting on line for morning coffee) will have a chance to revisit Franklin’s Big Thirteen.

 

Here they are:

 

Temperance

Silence

Order

Resolution

Frugality

Industry

Sincerity

Justice

Moderation

Cleanliness

Tranquility

Chastity

Humility

 

 

After his wife called him a sloth (affectionately, of course), Cameron, a lawyer, dad and history buff, decided to try to live by each of these virtues. The results are funny, sweet, and memorable. The book might even inspire me to take the Franklin Challenge.

 

Or not. I’ll decide after another cup of coffee.

 

Ben & Me is available now.