Perigee Bookmarks

The Perks of Being a Self-Help Editor

Posted by John Duff

I have long since lost count of the number of books that I have published in the self-improvement category.

I’ve learned many a kitchen secret from Graham Kerr, Jean Anderson and JoAnna Lund, and although I wouldn’t call myself a master in that domain, I manage to put a meal on the table most nights.

I’ve read far too much about living longer and stronger and staying in my prime with this singular result: for the past decade or so I have started my day with a power shake with protein powder and flax meal thanks to a long out-of-print guide to eating according to the circadian rhythms.

And with a half dozen sign language books under my belt, the best I can conjure up is “I love you”—not always the most appropriate phrase in the work place.

All the parenting books have been passed along to my siblings whose children I hope have benefited.

And those volumes dedicated to language – spelling and grammar – occasionally see the light of day when spell check or the online synonym finders fail me.

At the risk of playing favorites, I will take this leap to declare my gratitude for Dan Solin’s series of personal finance books. His  The Smartest Investment Book You’ll Ever Read (2006) saved my financial butt during those years of tumult in the stock market and the resulting recession. Sure I lost a little, but nothing compared to what I might have without the help of his book. We published The Smartest 401(k) Book You’ll Ever Read in 2008 but I, of course, had a year’s jump on this before it hit the marketplace and was able to re-jig my own pension plan to some notable advantage just as things in the financial sector were imploding. In 2009, as I entered my seventh decade of life on earth, The Smartest Retirement Book You’ll Ever Read captured my interest. (It is often said in my professional circles that we publish subjects in which we are personally interested and hope that there are enough consumers sharing those interests to make the investment pay off.) I learned pretty quickly that one can’t start to plan too early for this sort of thing. I encourage my younger staff members to heed the advice that I wish had been available in my 20s and 30s. But still, Dan’s book assured me that late is better than never.

Now, as The Smartest Portfolio You’ll Ever Own hits the market,  I find myself embracing heretofore enigmatic notions of the Fama-French three-factor model (market, size, and value),  the perils of stock picking and marketing timing, the meaning of standard deviation, passive management (which is so much more powerful than the term might imply), asset allocation, and rebalancing. But, what’s most important to me is that my level of anxiety about money is manageable since I don’t find myself subject to the whims of the stock market or succumbing to the dire news that spews forth from CNBC, Fox Business, Bloomberg, and other financial media on a daily basis.

I promise all the other authors who we publish that in future blogs I’ll be sure to tell readers how I choose to be happy, why I know that dyslexia is a gift, how to make wrinkles disappear without surgery, why hoarding starts – and how to stop it, and the countless other self-improvement techniques that have added immeasurably to my life – and to the tens of thousands of readers of their books.

Why a Ten-Year-Old Boy Was Giving Advice to a Congressman

Posted by author Lisa Earle McLeod

“Why do Congressmen say such mean things about each other?  We’re not allowed to act like that in my school. My teacher helped us come up with rules about respecting each other and not calling each other names. Why don’t you all have rules like that?”

He was only ten years old, but his question made the Congressman squirm.

His name is Colynne.  He and his mother were part of a group of private citizens who flew to Washington, D.C. with me to meet with several members of Congress.

How did a group of business people, parents, and kids wind up sitting down with members of Congress?

It started with the 2004 election.  

It was Bush versus Kerry and, like so many of our elections, it was extremely polarizing. At the time I was part of two groups, one very conservative and one very liberal.

Because both groups considered me a like-minded peer, they spoke freely about the other side.   I got to hear their unfiltered assessment of  “those people” who don’t share our values and who don’t care about our country the way we do.   Both sides were equally self-righteous and judgmental.

The “I’m right so you must be wrong” mentality had become our default.  I came to realize that this wasn’t a politics problem; it was a people problem. 

I knew there had to be a better way.

So I spent the next five years researching the world’s greatest problem solvers, people like Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams.  I dissected conflict after conflict to identify which behaviors enabled people to solve their problems and which behaviors kept them stuck.

The result:  The Triangle of Truth: The Surprisingly Simple Secret To Resolving Conflicts Large and Small.  It provides seven Best Practices for solving problems.

I got the idea from watching politics. But I didn’t write it for members of Congress, I wrote it for everyday people to help them become more successful at work and in life.

But as I did workshops for businesses, politics kept coming up.

That’s where Colynne come in.   His mother is client of mine.  She runs a major sales organization.  After I did a program for her team, she took a copy of the book home, where her son read it. 

Flash forward a few weeks, and Colynne is asking his mother if he can go to Washington to give a copy of The Triangle of Truth to his Congressman because “I think he could really use it.”

From that point forward events seem to take on a life of their own:

• People start a Facebook Group: The Book That Will Fix Congress.
• Perigee publisher John Duff agrees to donate copies of The Triangle of Truth.
• Several newspapers run stories about it and private citizens—Republicans and Democrats—come forward offering to pay their own way to D.C. to hand deliver the books to every member of the House & Senate.
• My father, a 75-year-old Navy veteran, says he’d like to come with us, lending an element of patriotism.
• My Congressman—Rob Woodall—offers to host the group and provides his office as a staging area for the cases of books.
• People start writing and calling their Congressmen and Senators.
• The week before we leave, The Washington Post picks The Triangle of Truth as a top 5 book for leaders.
• Our group is able to get appointments with members and their Chief’s of Staff.

That’s how Colynne and I, along with my Dad, my daughter, and an assorted group of citizens ended up meeting with members of Congress. 

We had one goal: Get Congress to establish best practices for restoring civility.  As a business consultant, I know that talk is cheap.  But when you establish best practices, you’re forced to hold each other accountable.

During our trip last month, we met with more than 100 congressional officers.  Colynne and the team made such an impression that the 16 Republican and Democratic Congressmen who represent Georgia have agreed to call a meeting of the Georgia Caucus to discuss the issue.

If a ten year old and a group of private citizens can get leaders from both sides of the aisle to come together to talk about civility, who knows what might happen next?

Are we done?  No, we’re just getting started.  If you want Congress to stop fighting and start solving problems, join the Facebook group.

Be sure to check out the pictures of Colynne with all the Congressmen.  Trust me, you’ll see those faces again.

Lisa Earle McLeod is the President of McLeod & More, Inc. an international training and consulting firm and author of The Triangle of Truth: The Surprisingly Simple Secret To Resolving Conflicts Large and Small (Penguin 2010) www.triangleoftruth.com

 

Outsmart Your Genes Sweepstakes

Dr. Brandon Colby, a geneticist who runs a predictive medicine practice that focuses on prevention of disease through genetic technology and author of Outsmart Your Genes, is sponsoring a sweepstakes.  Grand prize and second place winners will receive free genetic testing, including personal counseling on the results, from the doctor's practice.  One third place prize—a copy of the book—will be given away every day until April 23.

The entry form and official rules can be found on Facebook.

 

 
 

How to Get Started on Your Reinvention

Pamela Mitchell, author of The 10 Laws of Career Reinvention, is a career coach who specializes in helping people reinvent their career path. Perhaps you’ve found yourself at a stand-still in your job, knowing you want to do something completely different but convinced that your current skills would never translate to what you really want to do. That’s where Pamela comes in. She’s helped hundreds of people look within themselves and find the potential to do whatever they want. And just as important, she’s helped them realize that their current skills can be made relevant to any career—whether you’re a lawyer who wants to become a baker, or an accountant who dreams of interior design. Here is a bit of advice from Pamela for getting started, for anyone who has wished they could steer their career in a new direction.

 
Posted by Pamela Mitchell

One of the most common questions is “Is it possible for me to reinvent my career, even though I’ve spent (5-10-20+) years in my current field?” The answer to that question is YES! It is never too late to launch a career reinvention if you know how to do it.

The “how” of reinvention can seem daunting; like standing at the base of a sheer wall of rock, wondering how you’ll climb to the top. But take a page from the playbook of rock climbers: When mapping out a plan to reach the summit, they don’t try to figure out every handhold in advance.

Climbers understand that the question is not “How do I get to the summit?” but “How do I get to the next handhold?” They know that the most important thing is to get on the rock; only then can they plot their next move. By answering the question in front of them, “How do I take the next step?” over and over again, they know they’ll eventually reach the peak.

Like rock climbing, career reinvention is a matter of figuring out: (1) what questions need to be answered, and (2) the order in which they need to be answered. Answering the “how” for your next move, step-by-step, is the way to reach your ultimate goal.  Here are the questions you’ll need to answer on your reinvention journey:

1. What’s my dream career?

When reinventing your career, the first question that must be answered is: “What do I want to do?” Don’t fall into the trap of thinking there’s only one possible career option that will bring satisfaction and fulfillment! Picking your reinvention target is the equivalent of deciding which peak to climb—there are multiple alternatives, all of which can deliver an exciting adventure. You’ll need to identify several possibilities.

2. What about the money?

The second question is a biggie: “How do I fund my reinvention?” It’s tough to focus on career reinvention when you’re worried about making the mortgage! You’ll need a plan to cover your living expenses while you make the climb. Don’t forget to include the costs associated with exploring your new career; you may need to take a class, invest in new business cards, or join an industry organization.

3. How do I get moving toward my goal?

The third question of career reinvention is “How do I take my first step?” Here the temptation may be to dive into action—any action—just to get things moving. Don’t make the mistake of jumping onto the mountain right away by sending resumes and trying to land interviews. You must prepare yourself for the climb; mapping out the lay of the land provides essential data for your ascent.

4. How do I combat my fears?

Here’s a reality check: fear (apprehension, worry, uncertainty—whatever you want to call it) is an unavoidable part of the career reinvention process. Ask 100 people who have successfully reinvented themselves, and 100% will tell you they’ve experienced times—sometimes extended ones—of terror. Similar to hanging on a cliff and looking down, it’s not the feeling that’s the problem, it’s what that feeling causes you to do that matters. Do you experience fear as an opportunity to recommit to doing whatever it takes to reach the summit, or does it cause you to go into freefall? If you make the choice in advance about what you’ll do in that moment, you’ll know what to do when fear shows up.

5. How do I deal with other people’s comments about my reinvention?

Understand that the idea of career reinvention scares many people, not just you! These well-meaning (or not so well-meaning) folk will make it their business to let you know the potential hazards you’ll face should you undertake such a difficult endeavor. They’re usually giving voice to your innermost fears, which is why their comments seem so threatening. But as a general rule these people have never actually reinvented their own career, so they have no experience ascending the mountain you plan to scale. Rock climbers expect people to freak out when they mention their plans. They don’t internalize the fears of “armchair experts”; instead, they talk about their plans with other climbers. Take a page from their playbook and talk about your career reinvention plans only with others who have climbed the same peak.

New Year/New You – Again, Already?

Posted by John Duff

It’s a new year and everybody is suffering through and writing about new year/new you angst. There’s nothing new to this at all since people have been making resolutions of one kind or another since we first realized that the earth had, in fact, made one complete rotation around the sun -- or vice versa depending on your science. But today, the phenomenon has become completely commercialized. And publishers are as guilty as anyone, from gyms to food manufacturers to motivational speakers. In fact, getting on those front-of-store NY/NY tables and NY/NY promotions online has become one of the most competitive aspects of the business. Book sales are strong after the holiday season and a lot of the purchases are books that will help us feel better, lose weight, put our finances in order, or simply assist us to start doing something good for ourselves and others or stop doing things that are bad for us.   

However, it is common knowledge—or at least it’s my observation—that if everyone who bought a self help book at the top of the year actually followed the advice in the book, we’d be out of business in short order. But people don’t: They start out with every good intention—they might even actually read the whole book—but the follow through just isn’t there.

I think the main reason for the lack of success is the absence of what is now called a good mindset. This word is popping up everywhere, including in our forthcoming Diet-Free for Life by Robert Ferguson, which is described as “a revolutionary food, fitness, and mindset makeover to maximize fat loss.” That’s quite a promise, especially when you think that this mindset business is probably the key to all successful change.

Each one of the titles that we are publishing at the turn of the year offers great advice for readers concerning diet and fitness, finances, personal empowerment, ending a relationship, or understanding a mental condition. And while they may cover different aspects of life, they all start with changing one’s mindset because how we think about things is vital.

The best self-help books not only offer good advice and a plan to follow, but also show you how to find the inner motivation to get you on track—and keep you there. Sure, it’s appealing to want to look better, feel better, have more cash, or feel like you can accomplish anything. But sometimes we have to dig deeper to find the motivation to keep on keeping on. Each of these books—and others like them—guides readers toward an essential mindset makeover! Now that’s a promise worth $25 (or $14.95 in paperback).

 

The Real Cost of Living

 

 

 

 

 

Diet-Free for Life

 

 

 

 

8 Ways to Great

 

 

 

 

 

I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me

 

 

 

 

 

Making Divorce Work

The Gift of Divorce

Posted by  Diana Mercer, JD

When my publisher and I were discussing the best time to publish Making Divorce Work, I pointed out that the busiest months for divorce are November and December.  Sure, plenty of troubled couples power through Halloween to New Year’s Day, but even more file for divorce as the holidays approach.

It is a curious phenomenon since one would expect that people would wait until the post-holiday time when all the world is making resolutions for the New Year and everybody’s thinking  about pushing the reset button on their lives – including getting out of a crumbling relationship.

While the divorce decision may come as a shock to friends, family, or even a spouse, statistically the partner who initiates the divorce has been thinking seriously about it for an entire year.  And with the impending holidays—and all the attendant stress for the spouse who initiates the proceedings—the idea of having to survive another six weeks keeping the secret that they’re unhappy in a marriage becomes intolerable. As a result, they file for divorce or separation in November or December, vowing to make a clean start in the new year. No more procrastinating.

For many people the timing may be an emotionally charged decision, but as I counsel all my clients, I hope it will be the last one in the whole process.  

As a divorce professional, I try to prepare myself to handle the influx of pre-holiday business with the same patient and thoughtful service my clients expect in February and June.  Almost every year I mediate a holiday custody dispute on December 24.  I also work almost every New Year’s Eve.  While simply closing the office and making people work it out themselves would be easier, the idea that a child’s Christmas will be ruined by fighting parents is just too heartbreaking.

So if divorce is a gift that you’re giving this year—or one that you find yourself receiving—it’s worth it to keep the holidays as peaceful as possible for your children, your family, and for yourself.

 

Diana Mercer is  a family law mediator and founder of  Peace Talks Mediation Services in Los Angeles and a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce. She is  the co-author of Making Divorce Work:  8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life.  

Join the conversation and community at http://makingdivorceworkblog.com.

My Money or My Life?

Posted by Jeanette Shaw

I’ve been engaging in a typical urban dweller activity the last few months: apartment hunting. Having lived with roommates for most of my adult life, I’ve decided it’s time to experience the joys of living alone. (As my one coworker enthused, “You don’t have to wear pants if you don’t want to!”)

The New York metropolitan area being as expensive as it is (I live in New Jersey) I knew this would be a difficult hunt. I have certain requirements: the commute can’t be too much longer or more expensive than my current one; I need a parking spot for my car; and I need an elevator building because I host holidays at my place and my grandmother is long past the days of being able to climb stairs. Now of course, for these kinds of amenities, I’m going to pay a pretty penny, more than I should be spending on rent by all the financial experts’ standards. They say your total monthly debt to income ratio (housing expense plus recurring debt to gross income) shouldn’t be more than 36%. Around New York that number is often more like 60%.

I could find an apartment that meets purely financial standards. I’d have to give up certain things but I’d certainly never have to worry that I’m stretching my budget some months. But is the financial benefit worth the personal costs? Not having a car would make it harder for me to see my friends. I love being the hostess at Thanksgiving and Christmas; not having an elevator would mean I couldn’t do that anymore. Cooking is a big hobby of mine; I would hate to give up having a decent kitchen.

These are the kinds of questions personal finance expert Carmen Wong Ulrich tackles in her upcoming book The Real Cost of Living. Carmen explains that for every life decision, big or small—whether to buy a house, go to college, or buy that daily latte—there are financial and personal costs and benefits. The trick is recognizing them, weighing them, and making a decision that is ideally a balance of fiscally responsible and personally satisfying.

In my case, I’ve found an amazing apartment that has everything I’m looking for. The rent is high, and some months I may find myself eating peanut butter sandwiches for lunch and dinner for a week, but I’ll still be hosting the holidays, my commute is staying the same price, and my car will be safely parked in the building’s garage. The tradeoff might not be worth it to some people, but it is to me. Everyone’s “real cost” is different, but we will all benefit from Carmen’s advice—I know I did, and I can’t wait for you to as well.

 

The Real Cost of Living is on sale in January.

The Real Meaning of No-Fault Divorce

Posted by Diana Mercer, co-author of Making Divorce Work:  8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life

 

When I read Beverly Willett’s “My Fight to Stop My Divorce” on The Daily Beast I couldn’t help but feel bad for her.

 

Doesn’t she believe that she deserves to be married to someone who wants to be married to her?  Particularly 8 years after her divorce has been finalized?  Her husband wanted the divorce so badly he went through a contested trial and then moved to another state so he could get a no fault divorce.  So what exactly is Ms. Willett holding onto?

 

I got divorced, too. It was the last thing I wanted, but I also knew that as much as I didn’t want to be divorced, I didn’t want to continue to be married to someone who didn’t want to be married to me.  And now I’m married to someone who loves being married to me, and vice versa.  My former husband is in a successful long term relationship, too. We are friendly, if not friends.  We both deserved better than what we were giving each other.  My former husband saw it first, but in the end he was right. And I knew it.

 

Divorce is like a death. It’s the death of a dream of the life you’d have together, and, in Ms. Willett’s case, a very full life, with children and friends and community.  From her description, it sounds pretty perfect. I get that letting go of this dream is difficult.

 

When we grieve, we go through the 5 stages of grief as described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in On Death and Dying:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  While it’s not as linear a process as this list implies, it seems to me that Ms. Willett is stuck in denial. Maybe she’s achieved some sort of uneasy acceptance, forced upon her by the reality of the situation, and not a part of her healing at all.

 

What I also don’t get from her essay is what exactly she did to save her marriage, except mount a full contested trial in court and beg.  This is in stark contrast to Laura Munson’s journey as set forth in her memoir This is Not the Story You Think It Is:  A Season of Unlikely Happiness.   Ms. Munson’s husband told her he wanted out, too, just like Ms. Willett’s husband.  Ms. Munson enacted her own version of the Serenity Prayer and gave him the space and time to figure out that he really did want to be married to her, saving her marriage in the process. I’m not hearing that from Ms. Willett.

 

After 22 years of practice as a divorce lawyer and mediator, I’ve learned a lot about why marriages fail.

 

Marriages don’t end suddenly. While there may be a cataclysmic event, like an affair, that single event is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. In truth, the marriage started to erode long before this final event.   At some point, one or both partners stopped getting their needs met from the marriage.  They looked to outside sources to get those needs met, however small and however innocent, not understanding the gravity of the long term effects of looking outside, rather than to each other, for satisfaction.  By the time either or both partners realized that they had turned away from each other, the damage was done. Erosion.

 

Both partners have a role in the erosion, but it’s not just one person’s fault. And often it’s nobody’s fault. It just happens. With a divorce rate of over 50%, divorce happens to nice people, not just evildoers and ogres.

 

So the no-fault divorce laws give us an opportunity to do the right thing by each other and to let go of a failed marriage with respect and dignity.  Anyone who tells you it’s too easy to get divorced has never been divorced.  But in making the legal divorce more difficult to obtain, families burn through thousands of unnecessary dollars spent on legal fees and put children through unnecessary turmoil.   It’s time to let go of this “home wreckonomics” approach to divorce and to do things differently. You can get divorced yet still honor and treasure the successful part of your marriage.

 

I hurt for Ms. Willett in knowing how much not letting go cost her, and continues to cost her.

 

 

 

Making Divorce Work

It’s Not About You!

Posted by author Gayle Rosenwald Smith

 

Mel Gibson—Britney Spears and Kevin Federline—Sandra Bullock and Jesse James…

 

The only difference between celebrity divorce and us regular folk is generally the public nature of the battle and the dollar amounts involved in the property settlement. The expletives used when arguing, the hatred, the desire to get rid of the other parent are sadly the norm when it comes to splitting.

 

Unfortunately, there are few custody battles where parents actually focus on the children and their needs. One thing people need to realize:

 

It’s not about you!

 

For those of you who choose to split, remember:

 

1. Focus on the child’s needs.

Kids don’t ask to be put in this position. Every child wants to have a loving relationship with his or her father and mother. You may have chosen to dissolve the marriage. Short of proven child abuse, every child deserves to have a relationship with each parent without interference from the other.

 

2. Get help.

Get whatever psychological help you may need to ease you into the transition and future life for yourself and the child.

 

3. Don’t use your child as a pawn.

You may want more child or spousal support. However, using a child as a weapon in this battle is a losing proposition. Don’t look at your child as a means to get money. Your child will resent you in the end.

 

4. Learn something from celebrities.

Everyone looks to the rich and famous as “the good life.” Maybe we need to learn from their behavior. Since everything they do is public, look at their behavior as the role model of how not to act. Or in those cases where the rich and famous set a good example, take note.

 

5. Never treat your child as your best friend to confide in and party with.

You are the adult.

 

6. Never say bad things about the other parent to your child.

Judges do not like it when one parent speaks ill of the other or brainwashes a child. Children don’t like to hear negative things about the other parent. Mudslinging can cause problems later in life with adult relationships. Remember: Even if you are thinking derogatory things, don’t say them.

 

7. If you start dating again, keep your social life separate.

If the relationship becomes serious, make introductions at that time. Children do not need to meet every person with whom you have a date.

 

Use common sense and everyone will be happier.

 

 

What Every Woman Should Know About Divorce and Custody by Gayle Rosenwald Smith and Sally Abrahms

Meanings of Survival

Posted by Kristin Pintarich, Contributing Editor, The Survivor Personality

 

Al Siebert's The Survivor Personality is itself a story of survival. The book, originally published in 1993, could have gone silently out of print and into used-book oblivion after the death of its author. In response to an endorsement from Ben Sherwood, author of The Survivors Club, in Newsweek, Al had contacted his publisher, John Duff, to inquire about re-promoting the book. Instead, Al and John decided a revised edition was due. But shortly after Al commenced work on the new edition, he was diagnosed with colon cancer, and he passed away within a few months.

 

I had worked side by side with Al as his assistant for many years, and the first question that came to mind after his death was, "what now?" The answer was clear. I knew what needed to be done—the project must move forward. The feedback Al had received over the years from people expressing their appreciation for his work was immeasurable. The information was too important to let disappear. So, with the help of Al’s wife, Molly, who was a passionate supporter of his work during their marriage, we set out to fulfill Al’s final commitment.

 

Revising another person’s book is almost as challenging as writing one from scratch, especially when the author has died. But Molly and I had worked with Al on the previous edition, so we were in the fortunate position of understanding not only the value of the book itself, but the mind of its creator. In the first round of edits, we approached things with a respectfully light touch. But after our publisher sent back his first comments, we knew we'd have to really dig in—just as Al would have done. Even so, it was tough to reword or clarify some of the passages and to introduce compelling and timely anecdotes that would resonate with a new generation of readers. At times we felt hesitant to mess with the "master's" words, but eventually we were able to find a happy balance of old and new.

 

Some things about the revision did come easily. In the previous edition, Al described the feeling of not writing the book but "having" it—how certain elements in the work revealed themselves to him as opposed to him having to struggle to create them. The same held true for this edition. Molly had one of those experiences when visiting a coastal town that had been a favorite place for her and Al. To ease the awkwardness she felt from being alone, she wandered into a local bookstore where she was drawn to a book called Learning to Breathe, Alison Wright’s account of surviving a bus accident in Laos. As Molly thumbed through the book, she recollected that Al had met Alison several years earlier at a survival conference. We contacted Alison, and she agreed to let us use her story for the opening of the chapter “Surviving Emergencies and Crises.” This is just one example of how having an awareness of your current situation and being open to subtle clues can lead you in the right direction.

 

I think Al would have approved of the final product, as his beloved Molly and I tried to embody his teachings on how to bounce back and get through life's toughest challenges. Preparing his book for re-publication may have been a great test for us, but the rewards that have come from this task are incomparable.

 

The Survivor Personality